My Ace Story
In honour of Asexual Awareness Week, I decided to talk about my own experiences on the ace spectrum.
I never saw myself as broken. Religion had a lot to do with that. I was raised in the Southern Baptist church, and it was always expected that I would never have sex until marriage. I took a pledge and everything, had a True Love Waits ring that I wore until I was nineteen. So I never questioned it when I didn't feel anything. I thought that when I met the right person, the person I was supposed to marry, then I would feel something. It helped that I never had a boyfriend in high school (I wasn't out to myself yet, so girls weren't an option then,) but I had crushes. When I daydreamed about having a boyfriend, sex never seemed to be part of the picture. In my mind, we would go on dates and kiss and cuddle, but never have sex. Again, I chalked it up to my religious views.
Then in university, two things happened: I stopped believing in the Southern Baptist way and I admitted to myself that I liked girls, too. In fact, I had the capacity to like someone regardless of gender. I also discovered the term asexual on Tumblr. For all the eye rolling that website gets, it's helped a lot of confused teens discover who they were. It all made sense, then. My lack of sexual attraction had nothing to do with the fact that I was supposed to save myself for marriage and everything to do with the fact that I just didn't feel things the same way most people do. The more I looked into it, the more I found that this was a label that worked...until it didn't. Because the thing is, there were times that I was sexually attracted to someone. It was rare. In my entire life, I think the total is three people I've ever been sexually attracted to. So I kept looking, and I discovered more about the spectrum, and I found that there's more than one way to be ace. For instance, I consider myself panromantic grey-asexual (or demisexual. I haven't figured that one out yet). Ace is just shorter to say.
Coming out was an interesting process. My parents could more or less understand that I liked more than just guys (although they still don't understand that there are more than two genders) but the thing that kept coming up was that they were concerned that I would "experiment." I knew what they meant. Much as I tried to tell them that they had no need to be concerned, they seemed not to understand the second part of my identity. I find it mildly amusing. My entire life, I've been taught that I shouldn't have sex before marriage, and yet when I told them I didn't want sex at all, it was confusing to them. My friends have been more understanding, although there's often the need for an explanation of what asexuality is. Most of the time, I'm more than happy to share that. After all, without some kind soul on Tumblr, I wouldn't know what it was either.
My experiences aren't the same as others I've read this week, but that's okay. The most important thing to take away from this is that there are different ways to be asexual. That's why it's a spectrum. I thought that I was completely asexual, but it turns out there are rare occasions when I do experience sexual attraction. And while I'm not sure yet whether grey-asexual or demisexual, the point is, both of those are valid ways to be asexual. If you consider yourself asexual, congratulations, you're asexual. Don't let anyone ever take that away from you. If you like masturbation but not sex? Still asexual. If you like the act of sex but don't feel sexually attracted to the person you're having sex with? Still asexual. If you hate the very concept of sex or masturbation? Still asexual. There is no wrong way to be asexual. Always remember that.
Happy Asexual Awareness Week, everyone.
